yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
