I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
