My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
