If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
