the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
