I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Farmville is her only friend.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I am the oldest one here and I STILL feel like I need an adult. help.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
