I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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