her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
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