We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize