What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
