i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just puked most of my soul out..
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
