He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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