Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
