When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
