I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize