I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
Randomize
