I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
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