some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
