A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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