My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
