It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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