Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
