Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
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