apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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