So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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