Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
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