her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
