I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
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