A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
