I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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