Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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