Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
