I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
