i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
