do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
my shit smells like andre
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
He better not be in your backpack
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
