I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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