I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
