Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
