he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
