Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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