she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
my vag is so smooth its legendary
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
