I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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