She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
