woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
i think i just lost a toe
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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