He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
