Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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