I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
