I need to stop coming to work sober
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
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