u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
