Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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