Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize