1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
