Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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