i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
