So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
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