I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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