Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
