god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
