I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
