my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
Randomize
