If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
What did we do last night that was yellow?
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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