There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize
