well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
