you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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