Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Randomize
