I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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