So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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