I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Randomize
