Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
