I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
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