Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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