I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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