i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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